You know the loop.

A decision sits in front of you. Maybe it’s a hire, a hard conversation, a change of direction, or something much closer to home. You turn it over and play it out a hundred different ways. You ask your partner, your colleagues, a trusted friend. You make the list. You sleep on it, or try to.

And a week later you’re still circling the same question, more tired than when you started.

From the outside, it looks like indecision. Most of us treat it like a thinking problem. If we could just gather more information, think it through one more time, or find the right angle, the answer would arrive.

What I’ve come to realise is that overthinking is rarely a thinking problem. It’s usually telling us something else entirely.

WHY WE GET STUCK IN THE LOOP

There are a few reasons we end up overthinking. They’re not the only ones, but they’re the ones I see most often in capable women who are used to holding everything together.

The first is the fear of making the wrong decision. We want it to turn out perfectly. So we second-guess ourselves. What if I fail? What if I regret it? Rather than choose, we stall.

Here’s the thing. There is no perfect decision. There never was. Every choice comes with positives and negatives. Waiting for the option with no downside is what keeps us stuck.

The second reason is that we’ve lost trust in ourselves. Over a lifetime, so many women learn to seek the approval of others. We look to other people’s opinions and judgments, and that isn’t a bad thing in itself. Good counsel matters. But when other people’s voices start to replace our own, rather than sit alongside it, something shifts. We turn the volume down on our inner voice. Do that for long enough and it becomes a habit. Then one day, when we really need to hear ourselves, it’s hard to tune in. Not because that voice has gone. Because we haven’t listened to it in a long time.

The third reason is depletion. When the fuel tank in your car runs low, a little orange light comes on. Overthinking is that light.

We can run low in so many ways. We’re not sleeping well. We’re not eating well. There’s too much on the plate and too many tabs open in the brain. We’ve been through a stressful stretch without anything to help us through it. Or we’re emotionally depleted, carrying something in the background of our lives that nobody else can see, and wearing the mask is exhausting in itself.

When we’re fatigued, we fall back on the track we know. We try to think our way through. And it doesn’t always work.

THREE STEPS OUT OF OVERTHINKING

The way I teach this is that we need two train tracks running together: a clear mind and an open heart. When we’re overthinking, the heart has shut down and the mind has gone off on a wild ride. These three steps bring them back into line.

Step one: calm the nervous system.

Overthinking is rooted in fear, and fear is closely linked to stress. When we’re operating from that place, we go up into our heads. We start thinking from the neck up and forget about everything below.

So before you try to solve the decision, come back into your body. A few long, slow exhales. Time in nature. A yoga class, a dance class, a walk where you actually notice the colours around you. A meal where you taste the food instead of scrolling through it. Music, movement, massage. Whatever works for you.

As the nervous system settles, the fear begins to soften. And from there, a little more trust becomes possible.

Step two: move from “What should I do?” to “What feels aligned?”

“What should I do?” is the logical brain at work. We need logic. But the heart is a feeling centre, and it has something to offer too.

So ask a different question. What feels aligned with who I want to become? What feels aligned with what’s important to me? What would my heart choose?

If you don’t know yet, that’s okay. The question I often come back to is simple: does this decision feel heavy or light?

When I tune into that, I can usually feel that one direction is lighter. And I move towards it. That’s how intuition gets a seat at the table alongside logic, rather than being drowned out by it.

Step three: build self-trust with one small step.

This is the part most of us skip. Self-trust only comes through action. You cannot think your way to it, and you cannot think through every single detail in advance.

Picture a ladder leaning against a house. If you try to reach the second floor in one giant leap, it feels impossible, and overwhelm takes over. One rung at a time, you can do it.

So ask yourself: what’s the first decision? What’s one small, courageous step I can take, and then see how it unfolds?

Every small step is evidence. It tells you, “I can back myself.” That’s how self-trust is built. Not in your head, but in motion.

LEADING WITH A CLEAR MIND AND AN OPEN HEART

As leaders, we’re often rewarded for our thinking. Our ability to analyse, plan and anticipate is part of what got us here. None of that is wrong.

But when we forget to bring the heart along, we can stall in indecision for weeks. Meanwhile our teams, our families and our own wellbeing wait.

Calm leadership isn’t about having every answer before you move. It’s about settling yourself enough to hear what you already know, and then trusting yourself with the next step.

Trust is courageous action in motion.

So here’s my question for you this week:

What decision have you been circling, and what’s one small step you could take towards the lighter option?

Niky Hamilton
SELF-ish first. MindHearted™ always. Lead without losing yourself.

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